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Sunday, March 17, 2002
11:49 PM

In order to know virtue, we must acquaint ourselves with vice. Only then can we know the full measure of man.
- Quills

What better a way to start this entry than with a quote from the Marquis de Sade. Not only that, but a quote that sums up an attitude not only important to, but required for someone with my particular skills. We cannot go unknowing into the fearsome depths which are required for us to perform the acts of this trade. If we were to do so, we would surely fail. The failure would not be immediate, but imminent nonetheless. And we would not only fail in our task, but ultimately fail ourselves as well.

The art of torture is not now, nor was it ever only a job. It is a way of living, a discipline. Like any discipline it requires skill, knowledge, and patience. The skills can be acquired with practice, and practice alone. At first there will be failure, as in anything. But as time progresses, the subtleties are learned. These subtleties can be enhanced by study, and increasing the knowledge. A sharpened pencil driven under the skin into a nerve cluster will produce a much more satisfactory response than simply stabbing it into the fleshy part of an arm. So we must learn where these points are. All of this requires patience. This is not as simple as learning to write your name, it is learning how to write your name in a manner so artistic it will make people weep in admiration.

Today, however, I would like to focus on the word job. We all have them. Some of us even like our jobs. But despite the fact that we may or may not like it, we must still continue to do the job. Not all of them are pretty. Let us be theological for a moment, and use God as an example. Even his work is a job. During the course of his day he must either actively take a part in the killing of many, innocent and not, or simply sit back and watch as those lives are taken due to the course of "nature". Whichever the case may be, it is every bit an exercise in control to act, or refrain from acting. All jobs will task us this way, and should we wish to do those jobs to our utmost ability, we must often do things with which we are not comfortable.

Torture is very much like this. We will be forced to confront our deepest fears as we enact them upon others, but we must continue to do the job. The very acts of crime we punish, battery, killing, and rape, are those same acts which we will inflict to others, all in the name of "justice". As in most things, there are basically three categories of people in the torture industry: Those who like it; those who don't like it; those who are indifferent.

The people who dislike performing the act of torture, will ultimately fail in the trade. They may start off strong, and for a time even use their hatred of it to fuel the very tasks they must perform. Ultimately, however, the negative energy will wear on them, and they will either go insane, or simply be forced to quit.

Those who love it will also eventually fail, though for different reasons. Anyone unbalanced enough to truly enjoy the act of committing torture upon another human being, will never be able to feed the ever consuming flame within. They will continually need to expand their repertoire not for the sake of advancement in skill, but because the simple acts fail to amuse them. This path inevitably leads to self-destruction, through a variety of ends.

It is only those who are able to remain un-moved, dispassionate, and neutral, that will stand the test of time in this career. This may sound the most dangerous type of all, and for some could very well be true, but only if firm moral grounding is not present. One must still retain the basic knowledge of what is right and what is wrong, and actively choose to be neutral rather than not know the issues to begin with. You must not misconstrue my usage of the word "dispassionate" to mean that we cannot do our jobs with zeal. Indeed we must, if we are to continue improving our skills. What we should not do is become passionate about the act that we perform. The difference is subtle, almost too subtle for writing. It is knowing the difference of what causes you to feel proud of your accomplishments. Is it the success of a skill with which you cause someone to lose consciousness to pain, or the emotional reaction from the actual pain of the victim? Do you find elation in result of a scream, or the scream itself? Look hard at what you answer.

How does one know? What can we do to determine if we have the mettle for the job? The answer to that can be found by taking a step which will not only allow us to determine our reaction to such things, but also to help us reach a more balanced state of being. We must inundate ourselves with pain and death. Seek it out. Read the news, and investigate the stories. Go to the morgue and watch an autopsy. Look death in the face. Visit the emergency room of a hospital. Read testimonials of the victims of violent crime, as well as those of the criminals. Last, but not least, you must do. How you choose to do this is up to you, but the more real it is, the closer you will be to the truth about yourself.

Don't despair if any or all of these things sicken or disturb you at first. You will not be able to tell by your first few viewings if you are going to retain such reactions. As in all things, it will take time for your mind to adjust. If you feel like you shouldn't be watching such things, that the shock is too great, it is too soon to determine. Only after a while will you know what your path is to be. This time will be shorter and longer for different people. I can give you no consistent timeframe. On an average, a month is too soon, and a year is too long.

One thing is consistent though, we must subject ourselves to the widest array of sin, purity, pain, bliss, degradation, nurturing, bigotry, righteousness, justice, and criminal intent that we possibly can. This is the only way to begin the path toward true neutrality. We must have seen all ends of the spectrum before we can hope to become impassive.

And that is where the journey really begins. Learning to let go, without letting go...

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